It was 8:37 in the PM when President Trump made his way from the White House to the car that was waiting for him with exhaust mist dancing about his looming figure as he headed confidently to his first State of the Union Address on Capital Hill. Meanwhile on the other side of the nation Jimmy Kimmel buried his head in his hands distraught over his lead guest’s last-minute story change which had destroyed his show completely. He had booked the infamous porn star Stormy Daniels to give her account of an affair she had with the president live on his show right after the State of the Union. His strategy of course was to deflate any good the president did with his speech and set the news cycle over the next two days putting the president on defense of this illustrious sexual affair that supposedly happened at a Lake Tahoe golf tournament. But hours before she went on the air a statement came out announcing that the affair never happened and that she wasn’t just saying so because of any financial transaction that might have occurred, but because the affair never actually happened. What was Jimmy Kimmel going to do?
This was going to be bad Jimmy thought. Jimmy had come a long way in his career, from when he worked as a flunky cable host on a male chauvinist Comedy Central show called The Man Show—where routinely he drank beer and belittled women with sexually provocative jokes and indecent behavior. Hollywood was willing to forgive him for these past actions now that he was working for Disney’s ABC on a late-night talk show that spread liberal propaganda—and they liked him because he was so anti-Trump. After all, the political left was filled with degenerate losers, so they welcomed Jimmy into their ranks so long as he played his role, and part of that was to help bring down the sitting president.
Stormy Daniels was going to be that big shot that he had dreamed of all 50 years of his life—the time when he would be somebody important—not just a class clown jokester and television moron that people laughed at, not with. After years of scratching at the surface of Hollywood acceptance doing bit roles in movies with real stars—who have all moved very far to the political left just so they could get jobs, Jimmy was the Fox funny man on Fox NFL Sunday where real jock former football stars made fun of him and used Kimmel as the brunt of their locker room jokes. It was only when Kimmel came out against Trump by using his innocent child suffering from a rare congenital heart defect to rally against the Obamacare reform that the President was advocating when he finally was accepted as a big man around Hollywood—and it felt good.
What was he going to do now? He was going on the air in just a few hours. He wasn’t smart enough to watch the President’s actual speech because he didn’t understand all the big words used within it. He also wasn’t politically savvy enough to understand how hypocritical all the Democrats were when during the speech they failed to stand and clap when Trump announced that black unemployment was the lowest it’s ever been? Did that mean that black civil rights leaders hoped for bad black unemployment because it gave them something to complain about—and thus fuel for their power? Jimmy didn’t know. He simply sipped on his power drink and tried to figure out what to do about this Stormy Daniels problem.
“We don’t have anything” he said in his dressing room. “She is just doing this for the publicity—she’s a used up old porn star that is a has been. She’s married now and she has a kid and she’s looking to make one more name for herself before she fades away, and now I’m stuck with her.” It was his producer who came to the rescue with the handwriting of her current statement compared to her previous one, and the pictures of her autographed over the years. “They don’t look the same,” the producer said. Maybe she was on cocaine or something with those first ones.” “Well, they look different enough to save face on tonight’s show. Otherwise we’ll all be a laughing-stock for hyping this thing up so much. See if you can get her to play along when you get her on live.”
It was worth a shot Jimmy figured. So before the show he ran through a little rehearsal with Stormy as she was preparing for her big moment on live television on the Disney network. “So you didn’t sleep with Donald Trump……….ever?” The porn star shriveled up her face to look like a used napkin at a spaghetti restaurant, “Sorry Jimmy.” Jimmy held up the new statement and compared the hand writing with the old one. “Did you write both of these?” Stormy looked at the two documents and paused. If she said yes her chance at stretching out this last-minute fame game would end tonight. If she lied and said no, she might get a few more weeks out of it. But if she said yes, this whole interview would last about five seconds—so she found herself just looking at the broken—yet desperate face of Jimmy Kimmel. “Wait, don’t answer that” Jimmy injected hopefully. Just follow my lead on stage and we’ll make the most of this.
Thus, Jimmy took the only angle he could and tried to inject some Alex Jones conspiracy theory nonsense into Stormy’s story to at least get the most venomous liberals some red meat. The show happened awkwardly and ended uneventfully. After the show Stormy left quickly trying to avoid any more questions. The early report from Trump’s speech was that it was magnificent, the President had pulled it off flawlessly. The greatest nightmare of the Democratic Party had manifested before their very eyes. Trump’s first State of the Union address was a success—and neither the shiny lipped Joe Kennedy III or Jimmy Kimmel could put out the roaring flame of success that was the Trump White House. As Jimmy sat down in his dressing room coming out of stage prep to go home and forget about this terrible day the news was coming from everywhere that Stormy was a bust—literally. And people thought that Joe Kennedy III was drooling like some sick dog about to be euthanized. What a disaster. The Democrats after the speech somberly left the chamber and gave very little by way of statements to the media. They had already lost any hopes of gaining any seats in the 2018 election now, heck, they’d likely lose more. And it sunk their hearts to a point of hopelessness and despair.
Did these events happen just as I said they did—after all I wasn’t there—I’d have no way of knowing what Jimmy Kimmel thought and did before his big show with Stormy. Nor would I have anyway of knowing what was on the mind of Stormy. But it was good enough for Michael Wolff so its good enough for me. Only I bet I was a lot more accurate in my assessment of Kimmel than Wolff was of the Trump White House. Two can play at that game guys, and if that’s how they want to go about things—I’m up for it.
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